A Lover Girl’s Guide to Loving Without Losing
Calling all my lover girls who love as deeply as they hurt; who care as intensely as they give, and who feel everything in full color. Intense infatuation can be thrilling, but it can easily dominate your thoughts. It’s cute—until it’s not. There’s a thin line between a harmless infatuation and a harmful attachment that can lead to losing yourself in the process.
While it's natural to feel excited about someone new, letting that infatuation consume your thoughts can create anxious attachment and unhealthy dependency. Many lover girls struggle to find a balance between passion and self-preservation, risking their peace of mind and sense of self.
This guide is for those who want to enjoy the thrill of attraction without allowing it to overshadow their lives. You can maintain emotional independence while still embracing the excitement of infatuation. You deserve to love intensely without sacrificing who you are. Here are 7 actionable steps to help you stay grounded and true to yourself, even while loving with all your heart.
(Note: As this article is directed to my girls, I'll be using terms of endearment such as "sis" and "girl." Please note that these steps can be applied to anyone's life regardless of gender, preference, or orientation.)
Do a heart check.
It’s important to reflect on whether your feelings come from genuine affection or a fear of being alone.
Understanding the difference between connection and attachment is key to building healthier relationships. Unhealthy attachment, often driven by anxiety and insecurity, can easily take over your mind, leaving you obsessing over the connection. Connection and emotional independence on the other hand, allows you to feel secure, without constantly worrying about where things stand.
So let’s start with everyone’s favorite: deconstruct to reconstruct. Start by asking yourself: Do I truly want a connection with this person, or am I more afraid of being alone? (Sorry sis, gotta check yourself!) Why do you feel anxious about this person? Is the anxiety about them, or is it a deeper issue that hasn’t been addressed yet? Have you done the work to address your anxiety? Self-awareness is essential here.
One great way to explore these thoughts is by journaling. Write about what you like about the person and how you feel both when you're with them and when you're apart. Are you drawn to who they are, or are you more worried about what they're doing when you’re not together?
Also, think about your past relationships—are there any patterns of anxious attachment? Have you found yourself consumed with thoughts about someone else before? Recognizing these trends can help you avoid falling into the same cycles and empower you to approach relationships with a clearer, healthier mindset. If you walk past a tree twice in a forest, you’re lost— This applies to your emotional landscape as well. If you keep finding yourself in the same situation, it’s a sign that you need to pause and reassess your path. By being mindful of your emotions and behaviors, you can enjoy the excitement of a new connection without losing yourself in it.
Set Clear Boundaries Early On
If you don’t communicate your needs, you might start to subconsciously resent the person you’re interested in for not fulfilling them. It’s easy to slip into a mindset where everything they do feels like a confirmation of your anxieties. For example, if you feel neglected but don’t express that, a long text-back time could trigger feelings of insecurity and make you question their intentions.
Are you looking for consistent communication? More quality time together? Clarity on where things stand? Once you’ve pinpointed your needs, don’t hesitate to share them. It might feel awkward at first, but being open about your feelings can prevent misunderstandings and build a stronger foundation. Remember, confusion is the devil’s strongest tool.
When you express your needs, you’re also giving the other person the opportunity to understand your perspective and support you better. It’s not just about stating what you want; it’s about creating an environment where both of you feel comfortable sharing your anxieties and concerns. This way, you can avoid that nagging feeling of resentment that arises when your expectations go unvoiced. Regular check-ins can also help.
Ultimately, by communicating your needs and anxieties clearly, you can create a healthier dynamic where you both feel understood and valued.
Cultivate Emotional Independence
Let’s dive into emotional independence. This is all about creating a strong sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on anyone else for validation. It’s so easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new crush and inadvertently start measuring your happiness by their actions and feelings. But it’s crucial to redirect that focus back to yourself.
Start by leaning on your support system—friends and family who uplift and remind you of your value. Engage in self-care routines that nurture both your mind and body. This could mean journaling about your feelings, practicing mindfulness, or simply dedicating time to activities you love. By reinforcing your identity outside of any romantic interest, you empower yourself to embrace connections without losing sight of who you are.
Cultivating emotional independence paves the way for healthier relationships that enhance your life rather than consume it. It allows you to experience the connection rather than be defined by it. Remember, you are whole and complete on your own.
Let Go of Control & Expectations
Letting go of control and expectations is so important for nurturing a healthy connection.
When you try to control the flow of a relationship, it often leads to anxiety and insecurity. You might find yourself fixating on how often you should be talking, what they should be doing, or when/if things should progress.
Recognize that relationships thrive on spontaneity and mutual respect. By releasing the need to control every aspect, you allow space for genuine connection to flourish.
When you catch yourself worrying about what the other person is doing or how they feel about you, take a step back and breathe. Remind yourself that you can’t control their actions or responses; you can only control your reactions. This shift in perspective can help reduce the urge to micromanage the relationship and allow you to appreciate the connection for what it is.
It’s also important to have realistic expectations. If you enter a situation with a rigid checklist of how things should go, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead, aim for open-mindedness. Each person brings their own pace and style to the table, and that’s perfectly okay. By letting go of the "shoulds" and embracing the "what is," you open yourself up to new possibilities and experiences.
For my girls who need more physical steps:
When You Like a Boy, Get a Hobby
When you find yourself crushing on someone, it’s all too easy to let those feelings consume your thoughts. Before you know it, you can find yourself in a spiral of obsession that can cloud your judgment and take away your joy.
So, hit the reset button. Getting a hobby is a powerful way to reclaim your focus and remind yourself that your life is full and vibrant outside of this new crush. Dive into something that excites you, whether it’s painting, going to the gym, watching a new show, or cooking. Engaging in activities that light you up not only diverts your attention but also helps you grow as an individual.
Plus, having something interesting to share when you do connect with that boy can lead to deeper conversations and a more authentic bond. So go ahead, invest time in your own interests, and watch how it transforms your mindset and your connections.
The Power of the Mute Button
Let’s talk about the importance of putting them on mute.
In today’s world, we’re conditioned to believe that because everyone has a phone, they’re obligated to respond within minutes. This mindset fuels anxiety, especially when someone doesn’t respond quickly. You start overthinking their silence, replaying conversations, and searching for clues in their social media activity. It’s easy to become consumed by the urge to track their every move.
Muting them isn’t about shutting them out—it’s about creating space for yourself. If you’re constantly refreshing their pages or stressing over why they haven’t texted, it’s time to step back. Muting them lets you focus on your own life without being distracted or drawn into unnecessary anxiety. It gives you mental clarity and prevents you from jumping to conclusions based on incomplete information. (Yes, intentions and actions go hand in hand, and yes, their actions should reflect their words—but obsessing over every small detail doesn’t help.)
By putting them on mute, you’re reclaiming your peace of mind. Instead of letting your thoughts spiral about what they’re doing, you can invest that energy in yourself. Remember, your happiness shouldn’t be tied to someone else’s online presence or response time.
Stay Soft
The last step is remaining vulnerable.
In a world that often teaches us to shield ourselves from pain, vulnerability is a radical act of courage. It’s tempting to put up walls after being hurt or disappointed, thinking it will protect you from future heartbreak. But those same walls can keep out the very things that make life meaningful—deep connection, love, and genuine human experiences.
It’s important to acknowledge that being vulnerable doesn’t mean being reckless with your heart. Yes, people may hurt you, and yes, the fear of disappointment is real, but shutting yourself off only robs you of the chance to experience the depth of life. Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve. Don't let the world harden you. Vulnerability is the mark of strength.