He don’t want you, sis. How to get over him (or her).
Valentine’s day didn’t go as planned? Can’t shake the thought of him?
Here is your step by step guide on how to get over him from your big/little sister.
(Note: As this articles is directed to my girls, I will be using the term “how to get over him” and addresses such as “sis” and “girl”. Please note that these steps can be applied to anyone’s life regardless of gender, preference, and orientation.)
Allow yourself to feel.
It hurts. I know you don’t want it to bother you anymore. I know you want to prove to yourself that you have the tenacity to snap back. It's natural to desire relief from pain, to yearn for a swift resolution. But you will rob yourself of the power of vulnerability by trying to intellectualize your feelings before feeling them. Recognize that allowing yourself to feel doesn't equate to weakness but rather serves as a testament to your humanity. Embrace vulnerability as a source of power rather than a sign of frailty.
So, give yourself a day, or two, or three to feel… but don’t drown in your feelings sis… we gotta get up.
2. Intellectualize
Once the tears have flowed, it's time to articulate your feelings. Whether through the medium of a video diary, journaling, or heartfelt conversations with a trusted friend, allow yourself the space to verbalize the intricacies of your emotions. Every detail deserves to be acknowledged.
In this phase, radical honesty is key. Strip away any illusions or rationalizations. Confront the truth head-on, even if it's painful. Perhaps you come to terms with the realization that what you perceived as a deep connection was merely attachment. Or maybe you find the courage to admit that your trust was misplaced, and your vulnerability was taken for granted. Maybe you come to terms with the fact that you’re in the wrong and you’re having trouble escaping guilt. Or perhaps you've come to understand that you overlooked too many red flags for the sake of “the plot," and you're not a victim of your situation, but rather a volunteer... (Sorry, happens to all of us.)
Remember, facing reality with courage is the first step towards reclaiming your power and moving forward with renewed strength. Through this process of introspection, you gain invaluable insights into your own psyche. Each revelation brings you closer to understanding the underlying causes of your emotional responses.
3. Stop Idolizing Him
Sis take him off the pedestal you put him on. What Drake say? “I don’t even treat you that good, girl, why is you smiling?”
Sometimes, we idolize people without realizing or without intending to. What seems like merely considering them can actually be us centralizing them. It’s easy to romanticize too. “You’re the first thing on my mind when I wake up.” Right… Seems very innocent and cute…. until it’s not.
By de-idolizing them, we often realize that we are not attached to them, but rather to the idealized version of them that we have created in our minds. Think to yourself, under the blanket of perfection you’ve laid over them, who are they really? What do they have to offer? What are they adding to your life?
And maybe they’re an amazing person. Maybe it was “right person, wrong time”. In that case, you need to ask yourself some introspective questions— “What unhealed part of myself made it so I was so quickly and strongly attached to them?”
By tearing down the pedestal upon which we have placed them, we reclaim authority over our emotions and relationships. We free ourselves from the shackles of unrealistic expectations and allow room for authentic connections to flourish.
4. Stop making excuses
Sis, stop trying to read between lines that aren’t there.
He doesn’t want you. And that’s okay. You’re not for everyone and you’re not supposed to be. Instead of hoping that he’ll turn around and realize how amazing you are, trust you are the answer to someone’s prayer in a partner.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t let a man tell them that he doesn’t like you twice. Someone who is confused about what they want can easily cause you to become confused about what you’re worth.
Remember, you are not defined by someone else's rejection. Instead of investing your time and energy into someone who doesn't appreciate you, focus on finding someone who recognizes your value and cherishes you for who you are. You are worthy of love, respect, and happiness, and settling for anything less is a disservice to yourself. Trust that the right person will come along—one who sees you as the answer to their prayers and treasures you as you deserve to be treasured.
5. Stop yearning for closure and start practicing discernment
This may be the most crucial point for those genuinely trying to move forward.
In order to stop yearning for closure, it is important that you stay away from things that remind you of him for a while. Yes, turn the sad music off, stop wearing his hoodie around the house; detach from things that remind you of him for a while.
When you are healing you have to avoid certain things until you are healed enough to face them, and have enough discernment and discipline to say, “This isn’t what I want anymore.” What attracts you while you’re broken will disgust you when you’re healed.
6. Deconstruct & reconstruct yourself
Heartbreak presents the rare opportunity to vulnerably rebuild yourself.
But before you can rebuild, you must first deconstruct. Take a fearless inventory of the relationship—its highs, its lows, and everything in between.
Take this time to question yourself. What did you learn about yourself? What patterns or behaviors emerged? By excavating the layers of your past, you gain valuable insights into who you are and what you truly deserve.
Take the opportunity to reassess your standards, expectations, and red flags. What qualities are truly non-negotiable? What compromises are you willing to make, and which ones are off the table? By rewriting your standards from a place of self-love and empowerment, you set the stage for healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future.
7. Fill your own ego and trust God
Sometimes, after all the work, we realize that we weren’t actually connected with the person, but we just liked how they filled our ego.
It happens unconsciously to the best of us. But to crush our yearn for our egos to be filled by others, we must fill our own egos.
Do the work. Take yourself on solo dates, journal until the pen runs out of ink, do your affirmations, make promises to yourself, practice better habits, take care of yourself in every way possible, and most importantly, remember what God says about you.
Remember your identity in Christ. The bible says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. The bible says “If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” And if that doesn’t fill you ego…
(Note: It will take time. It won’t happen overnight. Some days you will be fine, other days you’ll need time to cry. Some days you’ll forget about them, and other days you’ll grieve the memories. It will take time to redirect your focus. But by intentionally taking these steps and being kind to yourself, you will achieve the detachment you seek. One love <3)